This guest post was written by Chrissy of Office Arrow.
I’ve noticed recently that a lot people, even those I would consider successful professionals, don’t have very good people skills. This is something I have personally worked on quite a bit in my life. Mostly, I’ve done this because I have a natural tendency to be very introverted. I’ve had to push myself to get out there and socialize. Conversation is a necessary evil when it comes to exchanging ideas in a social setting. And it takes work. I believe it is truly an art. What I’m referring to is different than ‘small talk’. I’m talking about dialogue, a true discussion where ideas are traded; not just the idle chit chat we all use to be polite, or put someone at ease, or fill the silence. Conversation is honest verbal communication and a lot of people are simply awful at it! I wanted to share a few tips I’ve picked up along the way. Hopefully, some of you will find this helpful – or perhaps you can pass it on to someone who needs it.
Ask questions
This is the number one rule for improving conversational skills. People love to talk about themselves and they will share the most fascinating information with you if you only show the interest. Always remember to ask questions about what people think and what they’ve experienced. This will help draw people out of their shell and make them feel more comfortable. It will also make them feel close to you. Everyone loves a listener. I’ve experimented with this a lot in the past. At parties, I’ve met people and had conversations for hours simply by asking a few probing questions. Later, they’ve told others that I’m an amazingly interesting person that they felt an immediate bond with. How did that happen? Because I asked them to tell me things and then I discussed those things. Pretty easy and endlessly interesting. Apparently, it makes me interesting too – even though it was mostly them doing the talking.
Don’t play “one up”
It’s common that an anecdote told by someone will trigger the memory of a similar one of your own. Don’t fall into the trap of playing “one up” with the person you’re talking to, immediately following their story with one of your own. It can be very exhausting to bounce from story to story. While it’s nice to share experiences, it can begin to feel like a competition when one story is immediately followed by another. It also begins to sound like you’re not listening to the other person, or that you only want to talk about you.
Instead of launching straight into your story, take a minute to comment on what the other person has shared. Let their words really sink in. Tell them what your thoughts are on the topic. Take a few minutes to just appreciate what you have learned about the other person from their story. After that, go ahead and share whatever has come to mind.
Don’t dominate
So often I meet people who like to completely control the conversation. It can be very overwhelming to even try to get a word in edgewise. It seems as if they just want you to listen quietly and enjoy the sound of their voice. Many times, I think this happens out of nerves. A lot of people are just afraid of making conversation and afraid of silence. So they overcompensate by taking charge. It’s very frustrating to talk to someone like this, especially if you have a point you’d like to make (it’s great when you’re tired and don’t feel like talking).
Try to be conscious of how much control you are exerting over a conversation. Don’t let yourself talk endlessly or steer the topic of discussion – most people like to exchange ideas, they don’t want to be lectured. Remember that conversation is a two way street. Let it flow freely and see where it goes.
Recognize “triggers”
Occasionally, you may stumble upon a topic of conversation that seems to trigger the argumentative side of the person you’re speaking to. This is natural. We all have our “buttons” or “triggers” – things we feel passionately about that make us angry or upset or sad. When you realize you’ve ventured into this territory, take note and slowly, politely, back yourself out. I am not a fan of heated debate unless the setting is appropriate and both parties are aware that it is happening. It can be very uncomfortable for an everyday conversation to turn into an impassioned political debate. In fact, most people feel this same way which is why there is that old saying about avoiding topics of politics, religion and sex. Many people tend to have serious and passionate beliefs around these things. By the same token, recognize if your own buttons are being pushed. Feel confident enough to tell the person you are speaking with that the topic is one you feel strongly about and would prefer not to discuss. Don’t be pushed into arguing your position or trying to convert them to your way of thinking. It is rarely the appropriate time or place for such conversations, even with the closest of friends. Differing opinions backed by strong emotions can easily break a friendship. Learn to bite your tongue on occasion – you’ll be happy you did.
January 21, 2008 at 10:35PM
Good article, I agree with all your points.
January 22, 2008 at 08:31AM
In a conversation, it’s important that you deliver clearly what you want to say. And respect the opinions of other people!
January 24, 2008 at 07:32PM
Glad you like the post, Chrissy writes some good stuff. I agree with what you say Martin, especially about being clear. I’m terrible for muttering and speaking quietly!
December 5, 2009 at 08:24PM
As a police cop who is in charge of sixteen officers and as a coach dealing with parents, I have learned the value of being able to converse with people from various walks of life.
I agree with 99% of the material presented. However, there are instances when we are talking amongst close friends or with immediate family members, where there won’t be trigger words to worry about because you know each other so well.
The bottom line is this. If you find yourself in a topic of discussion with persons other than your family or close friends, it’s wise to acknowledge amongst each other that it may be a hotbed topic, and to pre-establish with each other that you may agree to disagree.