 July 21st 2008
 Personal Development
 7 comments
This post was written for Organize IT by Tage Aaker. You can check out his blog, Glimmerick, where he writes about pertinent topics such as productivity, organization, finances and personal development. Check out top posts such as Ten Valuable Productivity Tips and Practicing Humility Continually.
Many times, when people think of listening they don’t equate it with an arduous task. I would say that most people simplify the process down too much, and miss many of the important facets of tuning into your counterpart. In fact, to become a good listener, it takes a lot of hard work, patience and attentiveness. Below are my nine tips to achieve that. These aren’t the answers to becoming the best listener, but practicing these ideas will help you communicate with others on a day to day basis. Feel free to add to the list, or bring up counter points. I’m open to anything.
- Talk less, listen more
Ralph Nichols once said, “The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” Simply put, if one person dominates the conversation, how can that person truly understand the other person? Communication is a continuous process, not a “your turn, my turn” game.
- Keep an open mind
Reign in those preconceived notions that we may have about another person. This is especially important to take note of when the other person is talking about a subject in which you strongly disagree, or when someone is criticizing you. Keeping an open mind is very important to practice objective listening.
- Limit distractions
TV noise, traffic, and other people can all interfere with the speaker’s message and how we interpret it. Distractions don’t always have to be an external problem like those mentioned above. Distractions can be internal as well. Feeling groggy or hungry? Preoccupied with other problems? If we have an important conversation with someone and all we are thinking about is going to McDonald’s for a burger or how we are going to pay the mortgage this month, there will be a disruption in communication.
- Keep track of main ideas
We’ve all talked with someone who feels the need to elaborate on every detail. Don’t get lost in the muddle, but try to be on top of the conversation by recognizing the key ideas of the speaker.
- Listen to understand, not to be understood
How many times has this happened to you? You have an idea or experience that you are very excited to share with someone and when you finally do, they immediately steal the stage, relating it to something they have experienced. You are now flustered and try to steal the stage back, then both of you jockey for the front position and no one listens to anyone. Instead of really digesting what someone is saying, you are just waiting for an opening so you can talk. This type of a conversation is not beneficial to anyone involved and it develops bad habits.
- Encourage the speaker
This tool works best when we are sincere. Ask questions that are relevant to the conversation and at the same time clarify hazy ideas. For example, if someone tells you, “Man, work was rough today!” a good response may simply be, “Oh really? What do you mean?” Then they are free to talk about their day. Along the way, use of words or phrases such as “Yeah” and “Oh really.” They are important to let the speaker know you are following them. Providing this type of feedback and paraphrasing is very important. Think about why you talk to people, most of the times you just want people to listen. Give that same respect to others and you may be surprised that they will begin to listen to you when you have something important to say.
- Body Language
Having good non-verbal body language is important to let the speaker know that you are interested. If you are slouching in your chair, arms crossed, and staring off into the distance with an open mouth, this sends a message of complete boredom. Try to keep eye contact more than half of the time. This can be uncomfortable at first, and will take practice. Try not to fidget, play with your hair, play with your finger nails, etc. These are common signs of discomfort and boredom. Be attentive, lean forward when appropriate, and have an open body position signifying that you are receptive to the conversation. Nodding your head occasionally also lets the speaker know you understood a certain point.
- No Texting!
This may seem obvious, but so many people do it. This is one of the most blatant signs of, “You are not as important as this text message, which can wait for my reply later.” Keep your phone in your pocket out of respect for the other person. Even when you are just hanging out with a person, if they are texting all the time, it can be hurtful. It sends the message that they would rather be chatting with others than spending time with you.
- Empathize
This involves trying to view that person’s situation from their point of view, not yours. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they are saying, but from their point of view you can get an idea of how they are feeling. Of course no one can tell how another person is feeling all the time, but making a genuine attempt is important.
In conclusion, Andre Gide gave an interesting quote in relation to conversation that is particularly relevant. “Everything has been said before, but since nobody listens we have to keep going back and beginning all over again.”
Reader discussion
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Tage, I think you’ve covered all the bases with this great article. What I’d add is perhaps obvious but so many people do it that I had to mention it. Don’t interrupt! Interrupting implies a lack of respect for others and annoys people, making them less likely to listen to you. If you wait your turn, it insinuates what you have to say is important enough to be said while everyone is listening.
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Great job, Tage! Those are great tips for making a conversation worthwhile and enjoyable. Listening is essential and often overlooked. People think it’s a passive skills when it’s more of an active one.
From my own personal experience, I can say that “talk less, listen more” is definitely a cornerstone of active listening. It truly is frustrating when people will talk on and on and will not allow you to participate in a conversation. They truly are oblivious to their listener.
Just recently I’ve had someone ask me, “You haven’t said much, Justin. Don’t you want to add to the conversation?” I didn’t at the time, but I laugh now at the irony of the question. By nature, I tend to listen and then speak up if I have something worth adding to the conversation. I’m not quick witted and I like to think things over first. But with some people my efforts to involve myself in a conversation get shot down. They don’t want to give up the reigns of a conversation.
You don’t let me get in a word in edge-wise nor do you actually listen when I speak. Then you wonder why I don’t chime in as much in a conversation with you. It’s not as if I had nothing to say but that you just wouldn’t allow me to. Why should I talk with you if you won’t even listen? It’s more than frustrating screaming into the wind and not enjoyable at all.
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Lauren, that is a great point. I notice too how much I am annoyed when people interrupt me when I am speaking. I find that a simple self-evaluation is often helpful when trying to understand what others like. If I don’t like it when someone does “X” to me, most likely they won’t like it if I do that to them.
Trebonte, thinking things over before speaking is a great idea, too bad many do not follow suit. Thinking before spitting out ideas off the top of your head does two things. First off, it saves you from making as many embarrassing comments, or saying things that you may regret later. Secondly, do you ever notice that the more people talk mindlessly, the more you tend to pay less attention? On the other hand, people tend to really listen to people that have well thought out responses.
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