 August 6th 2008
 Health & Lifestyle
 8 comments
We all have toxic people in our lives. Whether it be a friend, work colleague, associate, neighbour or relative, there is bound to be somebody who brings little or no goodness to your life and make you feel bad inside, as well as draining your energy and even affecting your health. They often possess one or more negative qualities that clash badly with your own personality, such as jealousy, selfishness or negativity. You can rarely control these people so it’s a wise strategy to cut them out of your life.
In my last job I was surrounded by these toxic people. Having just finished university I found my social life in flux and ended up befriending a couple of people from work. Initially I was happy to have them as friends, but then their toxic personalities began to surface. They’d go for days without talking to me then re-appear and act as though they were my best friends whenever they had problems in their life. They’d come to my home to chat, but would merely eat all my food and leave. I finally came to the decision to cut them out of my life, something I’m glad I did. Share your own stories in the comments! Below is my three stage strategy for dealing with these sorts of people. It’s a blunt strategy but for your sanity and happiness I believe it’s one that needs to be taken.
- Make them aware
Have a word with them, write a letter or make a phonecall. Let them know that you are not happy with their actions (or otherwise) towards you. It could be that they are oblivious to their behavior, and if they are good people they will adjust it accordingly. At the very least you may be able to understand why they are being the way they are and that you tried to be proactive in dealing with the problem. Unfortunately most of the time there is just a clash of expectations, personalities or understanding of what is expected, that leads to relationships becoming toxic and no amount of moaning will fix it. If that’s the case you need to move to stage two.
- Match them
As I previously mentioned, toxic relationships are most often caused by a contrast in expectations and personalities. If you consider somebody a great friend and they view you just as a casual mate, it’s understandable that you will have problems dealing with the amount of time and attention they give you. As a result you have to accept the situation and match the amount of energy and attitude they put into the relationship. If your problem with somebody is their timekeeping, don’t waste energy worrying about meeting them on time. If they don’t care whether you are left on your own in a restaurant, then you shouldn’t worry about doing the same to them. All relationships should have balance and equal give-and-take between the two parties.
- Cut them out completely
If matching their attitudes towards the relationship doesn’t work, then you are best off just cutting them out of your life as much as possible. While it’s not practical to go so far as to move house and get a new job just to avoid someone, don’t think that simply cutting down time with them or not giving them as much attention will resolve the situation. A toxic person will remain toxic whatever happens. It’s often hard to do but make a clear, bold resolution to cut all connections. Delete their email address, remove their phone number, rip them out of your address book. Remember, your happiness is paramount. Don’t let self-obsessed or negative people ruin it.
Reader discussion
|
|
Great post, James! I agree that people can make life either a slice of heaven on earth or a living hell. That’s why I wrote Cuckoo in Your Nest! It’s a free ebook that I offer to anyone for merely asking via the contact form on my blog. When it comes to toxic people, the best policy is always to kick that bird to the curb! Gently, of course. No need to be mean about it.
|
|
|
That’s some handy points. I really like the second one. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen people try again and again to please people that couldn’t care less. I just wonder how happy they could make someone who actually cared about them. Good stuff.
|
|
|
Glad you liked it. I think the second point is especially crucial. It can be disappointing to see a relationship become unbalanced (for instance, when you both go to different universities and make new friends), but in the long run it’s better for you.
|
|
 |
Aruna Shaw
August 11th 2008
|
|
This is brilliant. I have such a person in my life and always wondered why I always felt unwell and drained after seeing or speaking to her. I have taken some steps to avoid her and feel better. Your article proves I did the right thing. Thanks you for this valuable advice.
|
|
|
Those are great points and very valid, but I think to add, before moving to those points, you have to understand how important the relationship is to you. If it’s not that important or you aren’t getting anything out of it (and thus, neither is the other party) your best option is to go straight to the third stage. You don’t have to try to save something, and you don’t have to explain to the other person why you made that decision. A simple, “I just think this isn’t working out for the two of us” will suffice.
Giving a toxic person reasons only gives them a way to validate them in your favor and continue the fight for the relationship (or just continue a fight), or even use your words against you in trying to manipulate friends to be on their side. It’s better not to give the reasons, not to talk behind their back, but simply to say, “It wasn’t working out.” That way, it’s a clean break, and you don’t waste any more time or energy on the situation.
|
|
|
You make a good point Laura. You can apply the 80/20 rule to relationships too. If the relatonship doesn’t mean that much don’t waste energy on something that has minimal benefits.
|
|
|
I loved the post and took it all to heart. My personal take is that a complete cut-out is the only way to go. But, I have a question for you (and anyone else who might read this). What do you do when you discover that your toxic friend is also your spouse? Assume for the sake of responding that the cut-out approach of divorce is not an option. I’m looking for some real substantive advice. Thanks!
|
Trackbacks
Leave a comment, reply or question
|
We all have toxic people in our lives. Whether it be a friend, work colleague, associate, neighbour or relative, there is bound to be somebody who brings little or no goodness to your life and make you feel bad inside, as well as draining your energy and even affecting your health. They often possess one or more negative qualities that clash badly with your own personality, such as jealousy, selfishness or negativity. You can rarely control these people so it’s a wise strategy to cut them out of your life.
