On Monday I reviewed The Power Of Less and some of the insights in it inspired me to look at ways of dealing with my negative self-talk. Breaking your work down, focusing on one thing for a month… it might seem commonsense in hindsight but I’ve never thought to apply it to habit building in such a systematic way. Go figure. Anyways, for the last month I’ve been putting these ideas to practise and today I want to cover how I’ve reined in my negative self-talk. At the bottom of this post I’ve also raised a question about positive self-talk. Interestingly, I stopped short of encouraging it. I’d been keen to hear your thoughts on that one.
- Become conscious of negative self-talk
A while ago I wrote a post covering how to become consciously aware of what you do. In your first week, that’s all you need to focus on. We’re so used to negative self-talk that it becomes a subconscious part of our lives – we almost think negatively without even being aware that we’re doing it. The trick is to reverse that trend, and drag the negative self-talk kicking and screaming back into your conscious. Every time you think negatively, catch yourself doing it. Take a mental note. After the seven days are up, you may be surprised at how often you’ve done it. - Clarify where the negative self-talk comes from
By the second week you should by now be pretty much fully aware when you think negatively, but now you need to actually understand why you’re thinking that way. What triggered it? There is always a reason. Always. It could be something as subtle and ridiculous as a funny look from a stranger, to something more blatant like messing up at work and your boss yelling at you. The brain is emotionally led. It will focus on the feelings associated with negative self-talk but not on the reasons why you’re thinking that way. Take the opportunity in this week to re-adjust. - Rationalize the negative self-talk
Having become aware when you think negatively, and understand what triggers it, in the third week you now rationalize it. Most negative self-talk is by it’s nature irrational. Let’s face it, if you mess up at work one day, you’re going to feel a bit silly and stupid. But do you have to descend into a bout of harsh, negative self-talk? Of course not. You look in the mirror. Your skin is blotchy and your hair is a mess. It doesn’t make you the ugliest person in the world as your negative self-talk might imply, it just means you need a drink of water and a good night’s sleep.
Now I’ve deliberately stopped at three weeks for a reason. The next natural stage would be to replace the negative self-talk with a positive thought instead. However, I’m rather cautious about this and it would be interesting to hear your thoughts. Is taking a positive, optimistic attitude to everything just as irrational as taking a negative one? Going back to the example of screwing up at work, while I certainly wouldn’t want to beat myself up over it, surely it would be better to acknowledge the mishap rather than putting a glossy spin on it?
March 11, 2009 at 05:31PM
Hi James! Interesting question. Positive self-talk need not be irrational. In fact, quite the opposite. It is realistic and intended to counteract only irrational negative self-talk. If what you are calling negative self-talk is actually constructive criticism, then, by definition it isn’t negative. When we screw up at work, we should look at it critically, analyze what went wrong, and look for solutions for how to avoid a similar outcome in the future. But, when that type of analysis degrades into name-calling (“That was just stupid”, “How could I do such a thing!”), then it’s time to counteract with rational positive self talk (“Under the circumstances, anyone could have made that mistake.”). Hope this helps!
March 11, 2009 at 05:46PM
I would definitely emphasize healthy, positive self-talk. You can acknowledge mistakes, struggles and difficult situations without turning them into the end of the world. The positive mindset can work excellently without seeming Pollyanna-ish about whatever happens. You can acknowledge and accept very difficult situations, but the difference with positive self-talk is that you look for a solution to get yourself out, the benefits you might find in the situation, rather than letting it get on top of you. The crucial thing about the way we talk to ourselves is that when we criticize ourselves, it should be about what we’ve done without reflecting on who we are as human beings.
March 12, 2009 at 04:04PM
A word that pops up in negative self talk to be aware of is “should”. I should go to the gym, I should not be mad, etc. There is no such thing as “should”. Things happen or they don’t. I have had success replacing “should” with “choose”. I choose to go to the gym or I choose to handle this situation with a level head.
March 13, 2009 at 08:19AM
It’s interesting that what I perceived as rationalizing your negative thoughts is actually viewed as positive thinking. Thanks for the comments guys, you’ve given me something to think about here.
March 13, 2009 at 06:53PM
My experience when changing negative patterns is that you’ll go through three stages. Stage one is a period of simply stopping (interrupting) the bad behavior. That’s breaking the habit. Stage two is the fallow period where you’re not automatically screwing up, but you’re not doing anything right, either. This will last for a time (longer than three weeks…) until not automatically screwing up becomes old news. Stage three begins quietly when you blindly feel your way forward and find that you begin learning how to do it right.
That stage two fallow period is tricky, because you’ll be anxious to get positive results immediately, while your natural behavior requires you to unlearn a good deal first by suppressing a number of those negative urges repeatedly, even though you can’t replace them just yet with new behavioral prompts.
I typically have to remind myself that stage two exists, and that I’m in it – I know what not to do, but just haven’t figured out quite what to do (intellectually I may know, but it hasn’t taken root in my subconscious or in my behavior).
March 14, 2009 at 02:45AM
Hey thanks for the link. I think rather than strictly optimistic thinking, a healthy and yet realistic approach is the best. For instance, in a poor work situation, it would be bad to think, “This is perfect, this is great! I just don’t see it yet!” A realistic approach might be, “I screwed up, but that’s not the end of the world. I can learn from this and not make the same mistake again.” Just my opinion, though.
March 14, 2009 at 05:48PM
Yes, an all-positive, optimistic attitude to everything is also irrational and can blind you to reality. But it’s a lot less self-destructive, don’t you think?
I agree with Albert, the realistic approach works best. “OK, I’m really not as stupid as my negative thoughts are telling me I am, and I will never be the most intelligent person ever. People have good days and bad days, and people make mistakes. I am only human.”
I had a thought recently that really changed my thinking. If perfection doesn’t really exist, since “perfect” is just an idea we’ve constructed, that inherently means imperfection doesn’t exist. Nobody is perfect, just as nobody is imperfect.
March 16, 2009 at 03:02PM
Katie, I completely agree with you. Anytime I hear “should”, I always know there is a silent “but I won’t” after it. I am going to have to try consciously replacing “should” with “choose”.
March 21, 2009 at 05:36AM
It was shown about thirty years ago that in a series of experiments, people that had a positive, optimistic attitude actually rebounded better from setbacks or mistakes. This happened even when the person ignored the reality of their mistake. They were tougher because of their positive attitude.
April 7, 2009 at 08:37AM
Great post. Thank you so much, and the comments have been very helpful. I agree that when we feel we’ve messed up, it’s great to assess why something happened, what I could have done differently, and what I can do (if anything) to set something straight. I do also think it’s useful to add in some other stages for those of us who are particularly plagued by negative self talk.
What do you folks think?
May 1, 2009 at 06:54AM
Interesting post.
I agree with all that has been said in the comments above. It is very important not to deny what happened in favor of positive thinking. However, we must still watch how we think. Instead of blaming ourselves or others, we should accept what happened (because we cannot change it) and ask ourselves what the situation taught us, what we would do better next time, and move on. Failure doesn’t mean permanent defeat, it is only a temporary defeat that is designed to make us stronger and teach us something!
June 6, 2009 at 07:35AM
Research has shown that neither 100% negative nor 100% positive people tend to be the most successful.
While 100% negative people tend to not dare to start anything because of their fear, the 100% positive persons tend to not worry about any upcoming dangers and subsequently put one’s feet in one’s mouth, therefore not really being able to tackle task that go beyond their knowledge. This pretty much aligns with my personal experience both for myself and the people around me.
What has come out to be the most successful variant is an 80/20 distribution: 80% positive, forward-looking “don’t worry, it’ll work out somehow”-attitude (which will keep you going) combined with 20% “I’ve got to make sure that I won’t screw up”-thinking to ensure you don’t trip. Which IMHO perfectly sums up the comments, AFAIC.
(IIRC, the researchers where looking the other way around at that study, that is looking at how happy people consider themselves and then analyzing how successful each type would be. But it came pretty clear to me that to manage your life, 80% happyness is required to stay sane and happy no matter what happens, while 20% worrying is a good way to ensure you don’t screw up epically. Which seems like a good way to go in life.)