Comments on: 3 Practical Steps For Controlling Your Negative Self-Talk

By: Torsten Liebig

Torsten Liebig — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 06:35:17 +0000

Research has shown that neither 100% negative nor 100% positive people tend to be the most successful.

While 100% negative people tend to not dare to start anything because of their fear, the 100% positive persons tend to not worry about any upcoming dangers and subsequently put one’s feet in one’s mouth, therefore not really being able to tackle task that go beyond their knowledge. This pretty much aligns with my personal experience both for myself and the people around me.

What has come out to be the most successful variant is an 80/20 distribution: 80% positive, forward-looking “don’t worry, it’ll work out somehow”-attitude (which will keep you going) combined with 20% “I’ve got to make sure that I won’t screw up”-thinking to ensure you don’t trip. Which IMHO perfectly sums up the comments, AFAIC.

(IIRC, the researchers where looking the other way around at that study, that is looking at how happy people consider themselves and then analyzing how successful each type would be. But it came pretty clear to me that to manage your life, 80% happyness is required to stay sane and happy no matter what happens, while 20% worrying is a good way to ensure you don’t screw up epically. Which seems like a good way to go in life.)

By: Living New Age

Living New Age — Thu, 07 May 2009 06:03:49 +0000

By: Radim Kolarik

Radim Kolarik — Fri, 01 May 2009 05:54:29 +0000

Interesting post.

I agree with all that has been said in the comments above. It is very important not to deny what happened in favor of positive thinking. However, we must still watch how we think. Instead of blaming ourselves or others, we should accept what happened (because we cannot change it) and ask ourselves what the situation taught us, what we would do better next time, and move on. Failure doesn’t mean permanent defeat, it is only a temporary defeat that is designed to make us stronger and teach us something!

By: Clara P

Clara P — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 08:37:38 +0000

Great post. Thank you so much, and the comments have been very helpful. I agree that when we feel we've messed up, it's great to assess why something happened, what I could have done differently, and what I can do (if anything) to set something straight. I do also think it's useful to add in some other stages for those of us who are particularly plagued by negative self talk.

If my best friend had done what I did (or didn't do) how would I view it?
What in the situation did I do well?

What do you folks think?

By: Blisstree

Blisstree — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 18:28:35 +0000

By: Agnes Dee

Agnes Dee — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 05:36:42 +0000

It was shown about thirty years ago that in a series of experiments, people that had a positive, optimistic attitude actually rebounded better from setbacks or mistakes. This happened even when the person ignored the reality of their mistake. They were tougher because of their positive attitude.

By: Hilary

Hilary — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 15:02:15 +0000

Katie, I completely agree with you. Anytime I hear “should”, I always know there is a silent “but I won’t” after it. I am going to have to try consciously replacing “should” with “choose”.

By: Henry

Henry — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 17:48:44 +0000

Yes, an all-positive, optimistic attitude to everything is also irrational and can blind you to reality. But it’s a lot less self-destructive, don’t you think?

I agree with Albert, the realistic approach works best. “OK, I’m really not as stupid as my negative thoughts are telling me I am, and I will never be the most intelligent person ever. People have good days and bad days, and people make mistakes. I am only human.”

I had a thought recently that really changed my thinking. If perfection doesn’t really exist, since “perfect” is just an idea we’ve constructed, that inherently means imperfection doesn’t exist. Nobody is perfect, just as nobody is imperfect.

By: Albert

Albert — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 02:45:26 +0000

Hey thanks for the link. I think rather than strictly optimistic thinking, a healthy and yet realistic approach is the best. For instance, in a poor work situation, it would be bad to think, “This is perfect, this is great! I just don’t see it yet!” A realistic approach might be, “I screwed up, but that’s not the end of the world. I can learn from this and not make the same mistake again.” Just my opinion, though.

By: Mike

Mike — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 18:53:12 +0000

My experience when changing negative patterns is that you’ll go through three stages. Stage one is a period of simply stopping (interrupting) the bad behavior. That’s breaking the habit. Stage two is the fallow period where you’re not automatically screwing up, but you’re not doing anything right, either. This will last for a time (longer than three weeks…) until not automatically screwing up becomes old news. Stage three begins quietly when you blindly feel your way forward and find that you begin learning how to do it right.

That stage two fallow period is tricky, because you’ll be anxious to get positive results immediately, while your natural behavior requires you to unlearn a good deal first by suppressing a number of those negative urges repeatedly, even though you can’t replace them just yet with new behavioral prompts.

I typically have to remind myself that stage two exists, and that I’m in it – I know what not to do, but just haven’t figured out quite what to do (intellectually I may know, but it hasn’t taken root in my subconscious or in my behavior).